Reflection

While I was at home 2 days ago in bp, I was thinking how life has changed. Back when I was young, I could always feel the atmosphere of cny. Sitting on the marble chair while enjoying the back-home feeling right outside my house, I almost certainly anticipated that this is going to be an awful cny. Mom is no longer with us and nobody's home, the house is becoming more and more like those abandoned dilapidated houses we can always see by the road side.

A kind of indescribable sad feeling overwhelmed me, as if I were my mother herself, reminiscing her life. I could imagine how her life was when she was young up until the day she left this world. How lovely the memories she had had when she was a teenager, a young adult, then marriage, and slowly grow old till her twilight years.

I could feel as if I were her at the age of 60, how lonely and how sad life has become. All her siblings are not staying in Malaysia, and there are so few people in our neighbourhood. All her old friends were not here anymore and she doesn't know how to drive. How lonely she was.

As the scenes were playing in my mind, the wind blew and the rustling sound of the tree leaves making it even lonelier. All these made me feel how a human life is like, especially when we're coming to an end of our life journey. I can always imagine, but I never knew how it feels when are old. I'm sure not everyone will feel lonely when they're old. What I could feel was afterall, through the eyes of my mother.

Back to the real point I wanna make. While anticipating that this new year is gonna be awful, I realised that I'd already decided in my mind how this cny will be. We never know what will happen next, what if I die next year? Will I still make this an awful cny? How many more cny will I ever get to experience throughout my life?

More often than not, we delay the enjoyment that we should have by thinking "nvm, we'll enjoy during better times". That day, I've decided I will not expect an unhappy new year. I've decided to enjoy this coming new year. I guess this reflects the quote "our mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master". When we think it will be a good year, we will do all sort of things to make it an enjoyable one, when we think it's gonna be lousy then it will be. This is true in every aspects of our life, be it family and friends, career or health.

It's new year, remember to live life

I have been getting quieter and quieter ever since I came to kl. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of sadness or is it because I'm just an introvert. I guess it's a little bit of both.

The most important person in my heart has left me for almost 1 and a half year. I miss her so much. I still remember what I told her when she was lying unconscious on the bed at the hospital. I told her I'd always wanted to tell her I love her so much but I've always felt it's embarrassing to tell her so. I hope she heard me. Tell our loved ones that we love them, don't wait until it's too late.

It's going to be the 2nd CNY without my mom. I can't change anything but to accept and go on. Most of us are very fortunate to be alive, breathing and decide how to live our lives. Many people out there are seriously ill, tortured, abused, and helpless. Appreciate being alive and stop complaining about life. Wake up each morning and be thankful that we get to live and experience another day as human being.